“So you don’t work, you’re just a stay-at-home mother”

THIS BLOG HAS MOVED TO WWW.SHEROCKSABUN.COM   Hop on over!
You can always read the post here, but for more and updated posts, come join me at my new site! 

Want to see lightning bolt through my eyes? Well you better be attentive, as the flash will pass in a split second, but it will definitely be there. Now how I reply to such a delicious statement will depend on the situation. There are pretty much three possible reactions I will generally provide: A shrug of the shoulders accompanied by a heartfelt laugh and reply, “Yup, just a stay-at-home mother, no need to work for me”. And I will probably think to myself, ignorance is bliss. The second possibility is that I will give you a sympathetic wink of the eye and say “You said it sister”. The third, which only a few will have the pleasure of witnessing, is an immense explosion of justifications and self-defense accompanied by a lot of foul language to why you should never ever let such a statement escape your mouth. I’m quite proper in many ways, so if you’re not near and dear to me and we’re not in a secluded place, you will sadly never be able to participate in the show of fireworks. I know I'm far from the first mother on Earth to rant about this, but as long as it's still a matter of debate, it cannot be brought up enough times.

My new coffee cup

As a bit of background, I live in an exceptional country. In Finland, we are entitled to stay at home on paid maternity leave for approximately four months, followed by an additional six months on parental leave (either parent is entitled to stay at home with the newborn – traditionally mothers have stayed, but more and more fathers also choose to stay). The compensation will either come directly from Kela, the national social insurance institution, or as a combination of salary from your employer and Kela. If you have twins like I did, the parental leave is extended by another two months, i.e. with my first born my maternity/parental leave was around 10 months and with the twins a year.  

Once the parental leave period is finished (at this point the child is usually about nine months old), you are generally entitled (as of yet, changes in legislation are anticipated) to stay at home to look after your bundle of joy until your child turns three. If you were employed when your maternity leave began, you need your employer to grant the additional leave (usually it is already agreed upon in your collective employment contract), meaning you will also keep your job during your absence. Child care allowance for the time you tend to your child at home is paid by Kela. If you were to have another child during this time, you start off with maternity leave again and the same rotation continues until your youngest child turns three, as long as the child is not in municipal daycare.

Now that we’ve gotten past some Finnish facts, what does the word work mean?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word work can be defined in various ways:

a : to perform work or fulfill duties regularly for wages or salary 

b : to perform or carry through a task requiring sustained effort or continuous repeated operations 

c : to exert oneself physically or mentally especially in sustained effort for a purpose or under compulsion or necessity

Depending on which country you live in, what the social security system is like, and if you’re entitled to paid maternity leave from your employer, a stay-at-home mother will fulfill 2-3 of the above mentioned definitions of the word work. A mother taking care of her child at home in Finland receives monthly monetary compensation. It’s not called a salary, but it is money that lands on your account every month for fulfilling duties, i.e. child care. Parenting definitely requires the person to perform or carry through a task requiring sustained effort or continuous repeated operations. And last but not least, a parent must “exert oneself physically or mentally especially in sustained effort for a purpose or under compulsion or necessity”. So tell me, how does being a stay-at-home mother not qualify as work in the eyes of society?

Being a stay-at-home parent means you work 24/7. There are no personal breaks, you don’t clock off when your day is finished – because it doesn’t finish. If you’re in a healthy relationship where parenting is a responsibility shared by two adults, be grateful and consider yourself lucky. If you’re alone, make sure you have a network to support you! During the months or years you are a stay-at-home parent, forget having some privacy in the bathroom, hot meals, or even sitting down to genuinely enjoy a meal can become an after sought luxury, get used to cold coffee and sleepless nights. You learn multiple new occupations; your duties include among others being a cook, nurse, caretaker, taxi driver, maid, referee, teacher, janitor, handyman, party planner and circus clown. You learn to juggle and prioritize and appreciate silence. You feel lonely, misunderstood, guilty and constantly judged. You neglect yourself and your personal needs, you come second very often. There is little if any introduction to your work, instead you’re thrown head first into the deep end, with yes, possibly theoretical knowledge of what’s to come, but you don’t know what parenting will do to your emotions and your brain until you’ve been there. You worry a lot and question your entire purpose of being. The monetary compensation is small or non-existent, but on the bright side, the reward for successfully fulfilling your work is immeasurable in money. You create little people; you foster them to become amazing humans.

So the next time you interact with a stay-at-home parent, think about my words before you dare state that they don’t work, that they’re just a stay-at-home parent. The job is not for everyone, it’s rough and demanding and all too often receives very little thanks. Whichever way you look at it, that person is working much more and harder than any labor law would ever allow. So take a moment to appreciate those people and educate yourself on the meaning of work.

Outside references:

Kela. 2018. http://www.kela.fi/web/en/families-quick-guide

Merriam-Webster online dictionary. 2018. www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/work