Mother, mother by the wall, lift your chin and stand up tall!

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“A baby changes everything.” An almost worn out cliché but yet such a truth. When we become parents, being a mom or dad defines us. To which extent, I would love to say is up to us, but it’s not. For mothers, from the moment you get pregnant, everything changes, especially in working life. 

I don’t know how things are in the rest of the world, but for example in Finland, it’s officially none of your employer’s business if you have a family or not. A future employer is not allowed to ask you at an interview if you plan on having children, etc. Ok, in all honesty, it is to some extent unfair towards your employer if you’re applying for a new job that requires extensive training and introduction, and you’re planning on having kids in the near future and possibly staying at home for the first years. It means at least double the work for your employer when they have to redo the entire recruitment and introduction process within a short period, to look for someone to jump in temporarily while you’re absent on maternity leave. Then again, the new intriguing job you’ve just landed might not have been right for you and you could be leaving for some other reason, for another job, or you could love the job and be perfect for it, but end up in a massive accident and be on sick leave for months. There are a million reasons for why you might leave. Regardless of the reason, your employer would be in the exact same position. It’s called life.

However, if you place an equally qualified man and woman next to each other, both state that they are planning on having a child within the next year, who do you think parenthood will affect the most in regards to working life? Which one will get the job? In Finland, maternity leave is four months, after which technically either parent can choose to stay at home for the next six months with the baby. (For a bit more details on the system, check out my post on appreciating stay at home mothers.) Both prospective employees are planning on having a child, and simultaneously are at “risk” for the exact same things as previously, that they may not like the job or something life changing could happen that would affect their ability to work, etc. I may be old-fashioned, but out of experience, I’ve seen that the father-to-be isn’t labeled in the same way as a mother-to-be is. Parenting doesn’t define men, like it defines women. The world is full of amazing, committed fathers, but parenthood, in the eyes of an employer, simply does not affect men nearly as much as it affects women.

I updated my CV into a more modern format a while ago. I spoke to recruiters, HR professionals, head hunters and scoured the internet. “Do not mention your marital status or that you have kids on your CV.” At the same time, you shouldn’t have gaps in your CV, i.e. if you’ve been on maternity leave or stayed at home with children in between jobs, you need to write it down, so there’s a legit reason for being gone from working life. Hence my CV doesn’t say that I’m married with three kids, but my hyphened double name is a bit of a give-away in regards to marital status, and four years as a stay-at-home-parent points to more than one child. The details are still there, in a different format than what was encouraged 10-20 years ago, but they’re still there.

I was at a recruitment fair last fall, and received some honest, genuine feedback from recruiters: “Oh, you’ve been at home for so many years, it’s going to be difficult to get back in to the field again.” “Hmm, combining working life and young children is a challenge.” “What does your husband do?” Really. I’ve been at home for several years, point. What did I do during that time? Lay on the couch and watch the hours tick by? Not in my wildest dreams. In addition to bringing up my children, gaining immense patience, multitasking skills, and mastering time management, I also kept educating myself among others at the open university. A waste of time? Not in my opinion. Combining working life and family is a challenge which I presume every parent will experience at one time or another. It’s not easy, and can be exhausting at times, but the tough years, the busy years, eventually pass. Now what my husband does, what his role is in my life and what his existence has to do with my ability to work: This is a question I’ve also been asked at every single job interview I’ve ever been to. I’m sorry, were you planning on hiring him or me? I’m not a class A feminist, and though I am quite conservative in many ways, I fail to see how my husband is related to my work. Do they want to know if he will jump in to look after the kids if they fall sick? The funny thing is, before I had kids or was married, I got the same question. What does your fiancé do? A ring on my finger, and I have to explain about my significant other. Well I don’t have to, I can choose to say that it’s a matter I don’t feel is relevant, it’s personal. What does that say about me? Possibly that I am hiding something? Or maybe it’s a trick question that I haven’t yet figured out.

In all honesty, having kids and working life have a massive impact on each other. I have never hidden or denied the fact that I have children and my husband lives on another continent. I am a mother, most of the year a single parent, and they are defining characteristics of my being. I am brutally honest about my current situation, because just as I am flexible and adaptive, I also need an understanding employer. I will commit, jump hoops and go the extra mile for an employer, but there will be times when my kids fall sick and I cannot arrange for someone else to look after them. I take pride in being a parent, and motherhood defines me – just as being a sustainability enthusiast and aviation professional define me, only in a different way. The latter defining characteristics don’t have the same all-too-often diminishing impact on my ability to perform and commit to work. The way being a parent is perceived by employers is not up to me, whether they choose to see the pros or cons in parenting, it’s not my choice.

I’m currently working as a substitute teacher and after school activities instructor, where being a parent is considered a valuable and appreciated strength for the job. I dare say that conducting primary education is a lot easier when you have a profound understanding of young minds, you’re not as sensitive to sudden mood swings and you feel genuine compassion for challenges children face, which as an adult you may have forgotten about. I get along well with the students and my coworkers alike, and a hug and “hope to see you tomorrow” from an 8-year old feel incredibly rewarding. I think because I am a parent, it plays a big role in how well I can do my job at school. But then the downside. In the middle of my working day yesterday, I received a message that one of my daughters has an eye infection; she could stay at daycare for the day, but we agreed I would keep the kids at home on Friday. Suddenly my role as a parent, again, worked against me. I had to stay home from work, even though I knew I would have been needed there. My employer didn’t mind, everyone understood, but I felt guilty and bad because I have to stay home on a “sick day”, even though I myself am healthy as can be.

How much understanding and compassion an employer has is individual, simply because employers are people too, just like any of us. Be it a large multinational corporation or small family run business, in the end, we’re facing people. We can’t change people, if they don’t want to change. Attitudes are persistent, but you can educate people and yourself. For your own well-being as a parent, as a mother, I hope you have an understanding employer. I hope your integrity or commitment are never questioned when you have to stay home to tend to an ill child, and even more so, for the sake of everyone, I hope those sick days are limited. I genuinely wish for a more accepting working culture, where parenting is considered a strength, not a weakness. If you dare, take the chance, and be open about your life situation. It may work against you, and probably will on multiple occasions, but I genuinely believe that employers also appreciate honesty. An employment contract is a relationship just as any other, it works two ways, you give and you get. Work should provide us with fulfillment and meaning, after all, work plays a major role for forty-fifty, if not more, years of our life. At times you may be forced to do work that may not be your calling or interest you, instead you simply need the money, but you should however strive to find a job that excites you, a job that you really want, a job that you can shine at by being yourself. I hope that you can choose to which extent being a parent defines you, that it may one day be a personal choice, that being a mother will not automatically lessen your chances of creating a successful career for yourself. I encourage you to be brave, to be proud that you are a mother. Don’t stay by the wall, shy away from the spotlight, instead lift your chin and stand up tall. Because you are a mother, you are not less, the contrary, you are more. Make your own choices and define your own future based on the things that matter to you, by being who you want to be. And honestly, if for some reason you won't do it for yourself, at least do it for your kids.